Thursday, October 7, 2010


Today I took my drug test for my new job. Routine, I know the drill, they watch me pee in a cup and I try to pretend like that's normal.

First off, WHY is it you have to wash your hands BEFORE you pee, but they won't let you wash after? Seems silly to me. And rather disgusting. Not only can I not wash my hands, but I have to sign the bottles with same pen everyone else who didn't wash their hands used. Lovely. I'm dying for a shower in bleach before I even get out of there.
I knew the lady was in for a real treat today. I was the only one there and had her complete undivided attention. As she's watching me, and admiring my mad aiming skills as her beady little eyes stalk my every move to make sure I'm not somehow cheating, I can see her start to wrinkle her nose. I know my sweet smelling pee has her rethinking her career choice. My kidneys gave up on me a long time ago, and my asparagus pasta for dinner last night proved a deadly combination. As I'm filling up this frosty mug, I see her head slowly cock sideways, like a confused dog. I finish my business and carry on with small talk, as if I always have someone (over the age of 2) watching me pee. I realize my pee is not yellow. You can thank the lack of antibiotics and gallons of Mt Dew I take in daily. But I didn't think it was that bad. She's trying to do her job, but has a puzzling look on her face. I can tell she's searching for words, but highly confused. And then the stupidity just rolled off her tongue like a swarm of bees leaving the hive.
"Do you eat a lot of chocolate?"
For the first time in my life, I was speechless. There are no words when you hear a question that stupid. I opened my mouth, but all that came out were a few short stutters and a sigh. Hmph. And this lady, my friends, works in the medical field. I can only pray it was her first day on the job, or perhaps it was mommy-and-me day at work and she was just tagging along for the ride. Either way, knowing someone that stupid is treating patients terrifies me.